I was not ready

Not all blog post have to be happy right? I had an amazing holiday, I got to do almost everything that I wanted to do while I was away. My dad added onto that when he gave me a contribution to my vacation so I could do my Ireland/England trip. I made sure to send him pictures and messages so he felt included in my trip. He seemed genuinely happy that I was able to have these experiences. I was looking forward to coming home and showing him all my pictures and telling him all the stories I saved up to tell him.

After many delays due to our wonderful Canadian winters, I landed in Toronto. Leaving Portugal was a breeze, Getting to Philly was a simple 7 hour flight away. Also went flawless but Philly to Toronto, not so much. My 1.5 hour layover turned into 5 and all I could do was sit and wait.

Meanwhile back in Canada, the snow is falling… fast. My dad gets taken to the hospital by ambulance. He was having a hard time breathing. Now my dad was sick, had been for quite sometime. He ignored it for a long while, until he couldn’t anymore. We had not seen much of each other since the house sold in April. So I was not exactly aware of how bad he had gotten. By the time I got involved, he hadn’t eaten much in 5 weeks.

Prior to me going on vacation, we started getting tests and traction with the doctors. What we knew, bilateral paralysis of the vocal chords. There was a mass on his vocal chords, this was preventing clear speech and he was unable to eat anything without choking on it. Got an appointment to have this mass biopsied and a feeding tube put in. Finally we could get him some nutrition and calories.

He was adamant that I go on holiday. He didn’t want me to miss out on this trip, he travelled Europe when he was young and I have heard all the stories. Buying a motorcycle from a farmer and riding across Europe is the story that stands out. He loved his experience and he wanted to make sure that I did too. This is why he jumped at helping me get to Dublin and London.

I poured a perfect Guinness for him and enjoyed it for him. A pint was risen high for Pops, after all this was his wish for me. London had me walking further and longer than even Lisbon, that was also for Dad. A picture of me at the Abbey Road crosswalk was the last message I sent him.

I wanted to get home at this point, I knew Dad was sick and he was clearly getting worse. By the time I got back to Canada and Niagara, it was late. I went directly to the hospital where I was greeted with the tightest hug I have ever gotten from my dad. He was happy I was back, he was clearly tired. His oxygen was super low and he was pretty grumpy.

I was able to have some solid conversations with my dad that night. It is also the night that I finally got a confirmed Cancer Diagnosis. The biopsy confirmed that he had throat cancer. The doctor then informed me that the previous CT scans showed spots on his lungs and liver. This was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis now plus he now has double pneumonia. He was given hours to days to live. I WAS NOT READY!

By this point, I had been up for about 24 hours. He wanted me to go home and get some sleep. Easier said than done. He promised he would still be here when I came back, and he kept that promise. I went home, got 3 hours sleep and headed back to the hospital. My mom came with me and spend that day with me and my dad.

The morning started out with a very lucid and normal visit with dad. I was able to tell him some stories and show him some pictures. The pictures of the puppy or the grand kids put a smile on his face every time. we got transferred to palliative care a while later. The goal was to make him comfortable. That goal got missed over and over again as the doctor wasn’t approving enough or strong enough medication to let him sleep. Instead as he would start to sleep and then wake up panicking trying to breathe.

This stage was the hardest on me and I could only imagine how hard it was for my dad. The guy had already come to terms with whats happening, he was ready. He just wanted to go. Thankfully my mom was a great advocate for him and we finally got the proper medication that made him comfortable. It wasn’t long after that and he was gone. No more suffering, no more pain. Back with Grandee and DeeDee.

I left the hospital feeling a little more empty than normal. 2026 was supposed to be a great year, the year of Europe. I know I got 3 countries under my belt now but I would have rather no countries and still have my dad. I was torn, I felt like I was being selfish. Genetics said I had at least 10 more years with my dad, Cancer had other plans.

Rest easy Pops! I love you and thank you for everything! You taught me a lot and I will never forget it.